Confessions of a Math Diva

"Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out." -David Foster Wallace

   This week we looked at the legendary commencement speech 'This is Water' by David Foster Wallace, and I 'ja definitely felt' the quote above. I think it hit home with a lot of the kids in this class actually, many of us were put into 'Honors' and 'Advanced' classes from the 6th or 7th grade when it was first offered to us. Without any real discussion, we just ended up there, and soon enough it just became a part of who we were. It's a running joke between my best friend and I that we are 'math divas' living the 'diva lifestyle' of AP courses. The diva life entails sending grammatically correct texts-and more importantly tweets; using higher diction in everyday language; staying up all night to do your homework that probably could have been completed at a decent hour if you didn't come home everyday and fall asleep on the couch (because you didn't sleep the night before); and generally believing you are above everyone else. But my best friend and I came to a disappointing realization, despite how we like to believe we are so well equipped for this big, bad world with our superior intellect-we are not. I have a stunning lack of everyday household skills, I can't figure out my own washing machine. We're simply try-hards, when in fact many of the kids who aren't living this diva life have been exposed to the real world. These kids who leave me scoffing when they misuse 'your' and 'you're' probably posses skills that will actually allow them to be independent. While I posses the skills to factor polynomials at lightening speed.
   When it comes to being seen as smart, I feel eternally caught in that trap of being 'found out' especially during discussion time in this class. Most of the nuances we discuss sail clear over my head, as by brain is preoccupied with knowledge of the Kardashians and Kate Middleton. This week for my Creative Writing class I was asked my parents to think of a story they could tell a stranger to demonstrate my character. My dad told me a story of when I was in the 3rd grade and took weekly spelling tests. He watched me come home very pleased with myself after my first spelling test with a 100%, which was naturally displayed on the refrigerator. He congratulated me as any proud father would, but reminded me that it isn't the grade that's of importance, it's what I'm learning. The next week I came home with another 100%, and the next week, he began to prepare his speech for the inevitable week that I came home unhappy with a lesser grade. He became worried I would identify too much with my grades, that it would consume me, so he waited patiently with his little speech in mind. Yet, he finished the story by saying that the inevitable week never came. But now, I do identify with my grades, so much so I created a name for it, a lifestyle for it. I'm characterized being smart and in AP classes. The story my father chose to characterize me was in fact a story about my academic achievements, and here I am at 11:00 living the math diva life, feeling like my blog will never compare to the others. That when I mention Justin Timberlake in class everyone laughs, but they also question why I'm here. Then I'll leave my class and tell my non-diva friends of my sleepless night and they'll ask why I don't drop APs, and I'll say it isn't about the class anymore. It's my pride. I would literally fail this class (and I just might be doing so right now) before I walk away from it.
    The AP lifestyle is my lifestyle. Some days it most definitely feels like a life of lies, but it's my life of lies, and I can't bring myself to live any other way. So if you would be so kind as to wish me, "way more than luck," I believe we could all use it.
xoxo
Math Diva